Thursday, October 20, 2016

The 80s Were a Blur

I hated the 80s.
I really did, still do. It wasn't just the supremely bad make up ---------->
Things were so bad for me. I was in such a confused place in those days. It was so bad, actually, that I barely remember long stretches of time.

I did no drugs, so that wasn't it. I did drink alot, mostly to escape. But even that wasn't why I was in such a mess. I was recovering from an extremely destructive set of life choices...all at the tail end of very damaging teen years that left me utterly destroyed, alone, confused at hell, mystified, and ashamed.

I barely remember the music, the popular tv shows, movies from that time... the 80s were a total blur.

Somehow I emerged through that dark time with the help of excellent therapy, excellent friendships, and truly tons of introspective journaling. A few people have asked me the steps I took but I truly don't know. I was flying by the seat of my pants for years. I only realized that I had made it to the other side of it when one day I was reading another of the hundreds of recovery books. On one of the pages of this particular book was a simplified diagram of the process of recovery. I remember sitting and looking at that diagram of internal core beliefs in the various states of recovery and realizing that I had come so far, I was at the far right on the diagram! I began to see the light, to know that I was doing it. I was no longer a total mess; I was recovering.

I began to recognize my own personal power. I began to recognized how I had changed my own damn life through sheer effort. I finally saw that I had taken charge of my life; I had stopped letting life happen to me. I finally understood the meaning of the words integrity, authenticity, and honesty. Once I made these words my strictest guides...well that changed everything.

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